Dreaming

The other night I had a dream, upon waking it felt so symbolic I immediately grabbed my journal and documented it before the moment was lost. OK so to be truthful I made a large cup of coffee first, dusted the dirt off my long lost journal and pulled up a chair outside to write while I listened to the birds sing.

In my dream I was climbing down a steep mountain with Cyril on my back. Another hiker was close by and we came to the realisation simultaneously that we either had to turn around and take the long easy path back to civilisation or we had to take the shorter route which consisted of a steep, rock-climb, followed by a short swim across a lake. The other hiker turned around but I decided to persevere on my current path and began the descent down the rock wall. At the bottom I saw a makeshift raft, truth be told it was a floating picnic basket, I put my upper body on the raft to help keep me afloat. I went under slightly and thought I might drown but knew Cyril was on my back so managed to get to the other side in tact.

This is symbolic.

Many times this year I've felt as though I was drowning. Drowning in caring for Cyril, drowning in house work, drowning with negative thoughts and emotions, drowning from guilt and regret. Being aware of these feelings, I've done a lot of work on "me" since Christmas. Some may call it self help, other may laugh at the amount of parenting books I've purchased but if I didn't do it I know I'd still be drowning.

Sure there are days when I feel life isn't fair and like I don't have a moment to come up for air. There are arguments, feelings of impatience, longing to be somewhere else, someone different, but these days are few and far between now.

For the first time in 16 months I feel confident as a person and parent. I'm not looking back to the what ifs but appreciating the here and now with a calm demeanour.

I feel lucky in my job, my health and the family I have.

I've started embracing life and the ordinary moments like nappy changes as well as the extraordinary moments like watching Josh and Cyril play in the small bowling alley last weekend at the Summer Fayre.

Just as my dream so clearly pointed out, there is no shortcut in life. Often the challenging terrain is the quickest way to resolve a problem.