Struggling through postpartum depression ... again
Here we go again except this time it's lasted longer or I was unaware of what was happening until much later. With both children I think breastfeeding struggles caused the depression, but I can't be certain. If breastfeeding was a success it is very likely I would have still felt some degree of guilt or sadness as my attention is now divided and I feel like I'm not meeting anyone's needs.
One thing is for certain, I feel like a failure and every time Sage cries I feel inadequate. I know she needs/wants the breast but after weeks of some underlying problem, she managed to latch on only to be disappointed by my dwindling milk supply. I worked hard for a week to get it back up but my efforts were either futile or her latch was inefficient because she once again returned to the bottle. In the back of my mind I know I could rent a hospital grade pump, again, and attempt to get my supply up by expressing every 2-3 hours. I've read the success stories, many women have been successful but I'm sure just as many have been unsuccessful in these attempts and I'm afraid I'd end up in the latter category wishing I had spent the time with my children rather than attached to the wall. As it is I already feel guilty for the weeks i invested trying to keep my supply up in case she magically latched. We had one good week when she was sick but since she lost 6 ounces in 2 days I'm certain she was nursing for comfort and was just as ineffective as removing milk as she was on day 10.
When you're a perfectionist and you have high expectations of how things will be your bound to be disappointed. I thought I could control the situation but at each stage of our breastfeeding journey I did the best I could given the situation and looking back I was being forced in one direction. The one thing we still have is night time nursing. Before bed she is usually overstimulated and she wants to nurse with mama. I know it's for comfort as my supply is so low but I still cherish that one successful nursing session we have each night.
How I knew I had postpartum depression:
1. Crying everyday
2. Looking back and blaming myself for "failing" at breastfeeding
3. Feeling like I can't meet sage's needs when she cries because I'm not able to offer her my breast.
4. Feeling like I'm not coping and I can't go on.
5. Not wanting to go rock climbing or for a walk.
6. Staying in my pyjamas all day
7. Loss of appetite, I lost 8 pounds in 2 weeks. Josh would come home from work and I'd suddenly realise that I hadn't eaten all day.
8. Crying every time she was hungry and sobbing as I gave her a bottle.
9. Feeling angry at her for not having a good latch and angry at myself for not doing things differently.
10. Smiling and playing with her because I felt I should but not really feeling the love or bond.
11. Not wanting Cyril to wake up, getting angry with Cyril over small things that wouldn't normally bother me. Feeling like my bond with Cyril was vanishing into thin air.
12. Wishing I was still pregnant or that we only had one child.
13. Longing for the days when it was just me and Cyril or going even further back when it was just me and Josh.
14. Then feeling selfish and angry for thinking the things mentioned in point 13. How many women wish for children but can't have them? How many women have stillborns or children with disabilities and here I am wishing them away.
And the list goes on. What I'm doing to remedy it:
1. Talking to josh whenever I feel sad
2. I called the health visitor to express my feelings.
3. Telling myself that I matter too and I need to eat, exercise and get dressed
4. Lowering my expectations. We all need to be fed, dressed and the dog walked if those are done everyday it's a success anything else is a bonus.
5. Repeating in my head that I am a good mother, I'm not a failure and I have nothing to feel guilty about.
6. I love my children, husband and my life, I'm just in a funk, we'll all survive this.
7. Kisses kisses and more kisses for everyone.
Things I need to do:
1. Make yoga and meditation a priority
2. To go with point above, carve out 10 minutes a day where I am focused solely on me.
3. Discuss with health visitor whether or not I need to doing anything else to improve my mood.
4. Get the hell out of the house even if we don't leave the backyard.
One thing is for certain, I feel like a failure and every time Sage cries I feel inadequate. I know she needs/wants the breast but after weeks of some underlying problem, she managed to latch on only to be disappointed by my dwindling milk supply. I worked hard for a week to get it back up but my efforts were either futile or her latch was inefficient because she once again returned to the bottle. In the back of my mind I know I could rent a hospital grade pump, again, and attempt to get my supply up by expressing every 2-3 hours. I've read the success stories, many women have been successful but I'm sure just as many have been unsuccessful in these attempts and I'm afraid I'd end up in the latter category wishing I had spent the time with my children rather than attached to the wall. As it is I already feel guilty for the weeks i invested trying to keep my supply up in case she magically latched. We had one good week when she was sick but since she lost 6 ounces in 2 days I'm certain she was nursing for comfort and was just as ineffective as removing milk as she was on day 10.
When you're a perfectionist and you have high expectations of how things will be your bound to be disappointed. I thought I could control the situation but at each stage of our breastfeeding journey I did the best I could given the situation and looking back I was being forced in one direction. The one thing we still have is night time nursing. Before bed she is usually overstimulated and she wants to nurse with mama. I know it's for comfort as my supply is so low but I still cherish that one successful nursing session we have each night.
How I knew I had postpartum depression:
1. Crying everyday
2. Looking back and blaming myself for "failing" at breastfeeding
3. Feeling like I can't meet sage's needs when she cries because I'm not able to offer her my breast.
4. Feeling like I'm not coping and I can't go on.
5. Not wanting to go rock climbing or for a walk.
6. Staying in my pyjamas all day
7. Loss of appetite, I lost 8 pounds in 2 weeks. Josh would come home from work and I'd suddenly realise that I hadn't eaten all day.
8. Crying every time she was hungry and sobbing as I gave her a bottle.
9. Feeling angry at her for not having a good latch and angry at myself for not doing things differently.
10. Smiling and playing with her because I felt I should but not really feeling the love or bond.
11. Not wanting Cyril to wake up, getting angry with Cyril over small things that wouldn't normally bother me. Feeling like my bond with Cyril was vanishing into thin air.
12. Wishing I was still pregnant or that we only had one child.
13. Longing for the days when it was just me and Cyril or going even further back when it was just me and Josh.
14. Then feeling selfish and angry for thinking the things mentioned in point 13. How many women wish for children but can't have them? How many women have stillborns or children with disabilities and here I am wishing them away.
And the list goes on. What I'm doing to remedy it:
1. Talking to josh whenever I feel sad
2. I called the health visitor to express my feelings.
3. Telling myself that I matter too and I need to eat, exercise and get dressed
4. Lowering my expectations. We all need to be fed, dressed and the dog walked if those are done everyday it's a success anything else is a bonus.
5. Repeating in my head that I am a good mother, I'm not a failure and I have nothing to feel guilty about.
6. I love my children, husband and my life, I'm just in a funk, we'll all survive this.
7. Kisses kisses and more kisses for everyone.
Things I need to do:
1. Make yoga and meditation a priority
2. To go with point above, carve out 10 minutes a day where I am focused solely on me.
3. Discuss with health visitor whether or not I need to doing anything else to improve my mood.
4. Get the hell out of the house even if we don't leave the backyard.
Now that I've written this all down, I already feel a million times better. Again, sorry for being negative but my hope is that if there is any other woman out there that feels as I do she will realise she is not alone and will hopefully reach out to a family member, friend or professional. If you live in the area, the Happy Mums Foundation is a great place to start.
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